5-Word 365 #029 – Night Of The Sharks

This week on WTF Sunday, come with me as I delve into the depths of bad creature features. Not even Syfy (ugh) bad, we’re talking galactically awful. Bring your own scuba tank.

Night of the Sharks

Or: Night of the Shit.

I feel bad for this film. It’s so terrible in every measurable way, but it’s so cheap and amateurish I want to at least appreciate the fact that it exists. Somebody somewhere is probably proud of creating this. Possibly.

Pick your poster: #1 Moody Treat

I watched this movie twice today and I’m still not sure exactly what happened. I know Treat Williams lives in a village by the beach in Cancun with a girlfriend who either doesn’t know any English or is the worst actress in history and was instructed not to say anything ever. He’s in some sort of partnership with Huggy Bear (it could be shark hunting) who now has some indistinct Caribbean accent, wears the same too-tight white suit through the entire running time – sometimes with a shirt, sometimes not – and carries himself with a general air of embarrassment. Treat’s brother is involved with some mobsters back in the big city in a scheme that even includes the President (?!) and is blackmailing them with recorded phone calls on a CD in exchange for diamonds. He sends the CD to his big bro for safekeeping, and then flies down in a shitty little seaplane after he gets the diamonds, so that he can swap for the disc. Cue the worst ever sniper-scope effect in history. I’m serious, it must be seen to be believed. Also the title is a lie. There is just one shark and he only appears in the daytime. And he has one eye. You know, I just thought of something: if anyone is ever dumb or hungover enough to try and remake this, they should give the shark an eyepatch. You would instantly have a movie that is a thousand times better.

Pick your poster: #2 Fake Struzan

I don’t get the shark though. He seems to live in this little bay and spends all his time swimming around taunting Treat. Every fucking day, the poor guy is out in his dinky little boat struggling with the starter cord on his outboard, or dragging some idjit over the gunwale at the very last second! It gets so bad, at one point Toothy swims right past Treat to go eat someone else further out. Chief Brody had it easy; this is what a shark with a vengeance looks like. And they were using a real shark! Although that’s probably because they couldn’t afford a rubber one; the entire budget was blown on the three helicopter shots and an exploding seaplane. By the way, either the special effects crew were the only competent people on set or they really stabbed a shark at the climax. I can’t find confirmation either way, but I really hope it’s the first option. That an animal had to die for this piece of shit is just wrong.

Pick your poster: #3 ITALIANS, FUCK YEAH!

 

As I said, everything about this is amateurish. The cameraman was possibly on dope the entire time. I don’t think the sound recordist was told who would be speaking in any given shot, and the mix is all over the place. And as I understand it, the movie was edited by a blind man with three fingers. And a twitch. The acting in this flick covers all levels of competency. Treat seems to be more in Everwood than Things To Do In Denver mode, and after him and Huggy there is a pretty rapid drop-off in quality through day-time soap and am-dram, ending up at school nativity.

Stop waving at your parents!

This is an Italian film, shot in the Dominican Republic pretending to be Mexico. It is literally all over the place. With all the globetrotting going on, it is no wonder the script got lost along the way. The only way I would recommend this movie is if you need something to gather your friends around and laugh at.

"Who needs Discovery Channel?" "Ha ha ha ha" "Ha ha ha" "Get the fuck out of my hammock" (and yes, this is the actual picture quality of the whole film)

Go ahead, punk. Make my day.

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