5-Word 365 #337 – Papaya – Love Goddess Of The Cannibals

I’ve been looking forward to this all week since I spotted it on Lovefilm Instant. This may be the perfect flick for WTF Sunday.

Papaya – Love Goddess of the CannibalsPapaya_poster

Lots of boobs. Few cannibals.

00:00 Naked lady. Already. 35 seconds until the first nipple close-up. Bless you Joe D’Amato.

00:02 I know what’s missing from today’s cinema landscape: the juxtaposition of naked ladies and disco.

00:05 After five minutes we have had a total of eight words of dialogue, and some weird fruit-assisted mutual masturbation. Still no cannibals though.

00:05:25 Correction. Papaya just bit this dude’s dick off. Damn, that’s gonna sting in the morning.

00:06 Isn’t it dangerous setting a shack on fire when it’s in the middle of a rather dry-looking grove of trees?

00:07 There’s about to be a cock fight. I mean that in the zoological combat sense, not the gay porn sense. Although with a film this mental, I can see where you could be mistaken.

00:08 I bet you’ll never guess what the crew had for dinner that night.

00:10 Naked scene #2. I had no idea cock fighting was such an aphrodisiac. (Still talking zoological combat)

00:11 I don’t trust waterbeds. Never have, never will.

00:13 Here’s one thing I’ve always noticed about these old foreign sexploitation flicks: the directors hardly ever use any close-up coverage in the dialogue scenes (yes, there are occasional dialogue scenes), making it so much easier to re-dub into other languages.

00:15 Apparently, the Yankees are on the island to build a nuclear reactor. Is this going to turn into an environmental allegory? Anything’s possible in the crazy world of Joe D’Amato.

00:17 “He liked local girls, rum, and smoked cigarettes with tobacco in them.” I love the fact that he needs to be so specific. Sign of the times, I suppose. Either that, or the dub was written by the 1979 equivalent of Google Translate.

00:19 Where’s the Disco Cannibal Blood Orgy scene I was promised?

00:26 Still waiting.

00:30 So, we’re up to almost ten minutes of Vincent and Sarah wandering the back streets of this village where he’s planning to build a nuclear reactor. No boobs, no cannibals. I’m giving it five more minutes for the good stuff to kick in or I’m putting something else on.

00:32 As if the rocking chair that rocked by itself didn’t make things obvious enough, the creepy guy saying “We’ve been expecting you” really should be a hint that it’s time to turn around and get the hell out of Dodge. Vincent’s overriding manliness will no doubt prove to be his downfall…

00:36 Pig guts. Nice. I really hope this isn’t the beginning of the Disco Cannibal Blood Orgy scene.

00:39 Yep, it totally is. Who knew cutting out a guy’s heart and eating it would make everybody so randy?

Better than Viagra, apparently.

Better than Viagra, apparently.

00:43 What?! That was it?! Well, the Disco Cannibal Blood Orgy scene really did not live up to its name.

00:44 “For the social organisation, Pedro’s just back from Cuba. He’s got things to teach us.” A-ha! So they’re not just Disco Cannibals, they’re COMMIE DISCO CANNIBALS!

00:47 That is a very small bathtub to be having a three-way in, but where there’s a will there’s a way. Determination. That’s what you need.

00:48 Be careful, Vincent! Remember what happened to the last guy she did that to…

00:52 I don’t think Papaya is actually a love goddess. I’m beginning to think she’s just a big slut. It seems that everywhere she goes there’s a naked man waiting for her. And this one’s getting whipped too. Kinky.

00:56 Good news, Vincent fans! Little Vincent is still attached. It appears Papaya is on a mission to, ahem, pump him for information about the nuclear reactor. These commie disco cannibals seem to be very well-organised.

1:04 It’s a mob! A commie disco cannibal mob. Our Sarah is being corralled from all sides, and it doesn’t look good.

1:09 So the commie disco cannibals are just trying to save their land from the evils of modern technology, represented by Vincent and his nuclear reactor. In order to succeed, they are going to get Papaya to bite his dick off (possibly).

1:12 Or that.

1:14 There are only fifteen minutes left and I’m still not sure exactly what the plot of the movie is.

Maybe I missed some subtext in the bathtub three-way scene.

Maybe I missed some subtext in the bathtub three-way scene.

1:15 It seems that Sarah’s response to almost being stabbed is to engage her almost-stabber in an existential discussion about the nature of violence and it’s place in the world as a necessary evil. And then to give the knife back. She’s almost as crazy as Papaya.

1:17 You have to feel a bit sorry for Papaya though. Everywhere she goes, she seems to stumble across her man getting naked and sweaty with this little blonde in a variety of badly-edited sex scenes. I guess that’s the karmic payback for biting all those dicks off.

1:19 Any one-track-minded guys out there, you might as well just fast forward to this point.

1:20 Maybe that’s the message of the movie: everything’s better with lesbians. It’s certainly the first time Papaya has smiled, in any case.

1:23 No Jim! It’s a trap!!

1:29 Fin.

Well, that was special. Apparently shot by a cameraman with one leg longer than the other, Papaya is one of the most technically abysmal yet perversely enjoyable sexploitation flicks to come out of Italy in the late seventies. I want to make a drinking game out of this movie.

8 comments

  1. theipc · December 3, 2012

    Dude – I’ve never done this before but do you care if I re-blog this on the Drive – In site??

    • Ryan McNeely · December 3, 2012

      Not in the least dude. Knock yourself out 🙂

      • theipc · December 3, 2012

        COOL – tomorrow untold fame and fortune will be coming your way : )

      • Ryan McNeely · December 3, 2012

        I’d better get my tux back from the cleaner’s, just in case!

      • theipc · December 4, 2012

        Yep – you better get your baby blue tux stain-free for the big event!!

  2. mistylayne · December 4, 2012

    I cannot WAIT to see this movie! Must find now. NOW.

    • Ryan McNeely · December 5, 2012

      DO IT!! I just saw that title and I knew I had to see the flick

  3. theipc · December 4, 2012

    Reblogged this on LET'S SNEAK IN TO THE DRIVE IN! and commented:
    Today’s Feature comes to us from my man Ryan over at 5-Word Movie Reviews! This post is all kinds of awesome and rightfully deserves to be shown at my Drive – In. Thanks for letting me re-post this, Ryan – and put on that baby blue tux because this is going to go web-crazy in about three minutes. Or it might get ten hits. : )

Go ahead, punk. Make my day.

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