5-Word 365 #325 – The Avengers (1998)

Everything you’ve heard is true.

The Avengers

Was everyone stoned that day?

Agent John Steed of The Ministry is tasked to find out who is tampering with a weather shield around Britain. Assigned to help him is the director of the shield project, Dr Emma Peel. She is the prime suspect but says she didn’t do it so that’s okay. Together they accidentally discover a plot by former Ministry man Sir August de Wynter to use the weather shield technology to take control of the weather all over the world, and have governments pay to avoid cataclysm. Then it ends.

Yes folks, it really is that bad. The mental effort to critique this cinematic turd is actually causing me pain. Ralph Feinnes and Uma Thurman as Steed and Emma have absolutely no chemistry together; Sean Connery comes off mostly as a creepy old man (introducing himself to Emma with the classic line “you can get a good ten inches overnight down there”) and the actual plot, well it feels like an abandoned script for a bad Avengers parody. Connery’s performance as de Wynter can probably be best compared to Schwarzenegger’s Mr Freeze – all bad puns and overactive eyebrows.
The actual story is complete nonsense. I don’t mean that it’s a daft plot (though it really is) but that there is no sense within it. People jump from place to place with no reason, there are plot holes you could drive a bus through, and the “jokes” will actually make you wince.

You can’t polish a turd, but you can roll it in glitter. Uma Thurman’s costume designer seems to have taken that mantra to heart. It is entirely possible that Ms Thurman and her catsuit-filling abilities were used to draw the drooling masses into the film, hopefully without them realising how god-awful the movie actually was. It is a disgrace, both to the original series and to cinema in general. Expending any more effort on this review would only give the film more legitimacy than it deserves. There is one telling thing though: Jeremiah Chechik has not directed another film in the 14 years since release.

Kids, don’t smoke crack. And don’t accept sweets from grown men in creepy teddy bear suits.

Avoid The Avengers as if your life depended on it.

10 comments

  1. theipc · November 21, 2012

    Like post – dislike movie.

  2. todayiwatchedamovie · November 21, 2012

    I secretly hoped you could make sense of it for me. That was my diabolical plan all along. You know, since you’re European and all.

    • Ryan McNeely · November 21, 2012

      How dastardly of you! Ordinarily I would have been able to help you, but this was too much even for me 😦

  3. cinenemablog · November 21, 2012

    Am I the only one that had such an amazing time with this piece of shit movie? Am I mentally challenged?

    • Ryan McNeely · November 21, 2012

      No! Well, yeah, maybe. But we all have one of those movies…

  4. filmhipster · November 21, 2012

    Haven’t seen it, I guess that’s a good thing.

    • Ryan McNeely · November 21, 2012

      Definitely. Please don’t feel you need to remedy that situation

  5. Morgan R. Lewis · November 26, 2012

    I haven’t seen it, but I don’t think even Uma Thurman in a catsuit would get me to watch it. I mean, even on that score, there are better choices, like The Adventures of Baron Munchausen.

    • Ryan McNeely · November 27, 2012

      Yep, there’s also a little number called Dangerous Liaisons. But Uma in a catsuit just rings my bell

Go ahead, punk. Make my day.

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