5-Word 365 #314 – Bratz: The Movie

Never again will I allow Justin from Today I Watched a Movie to have any input whatsoever into my film choice. I should have learned my lesson after The Green Hornet, but no. He’s doing this on purpose; there’s no other explanation.

Bratz: The Movie

Save me from the horror.

When four best friends start high school together, they find themselves in different cliques. Two years later, they barely speak to each other, but rekindle their friendship in order to win the school talent show. Meanwhile, Jon Voight needs to fire his agent.

I deserve a medal for this. Or at the very least a cookie. A big cookie, the size of a car. Triple chocolate chip, thanks. Sometimes, when I’m watching a film that is particularly egregious, I can’t help but wonder if the people behind it were aware of exactly what they were doing, or if the whole thing is a sick, cynical joke at the expense of all humanity. Did they know that their script was infantile and unfunny? Were they aware that the story makes absolutely no sense? Could nobody see the look of near-suicidal torment in Jon Voight’s eyes?

Jon hunts desperately to find an escape clause in his contract.

For those of you who have so far escaped this cultural (and I use that word very loosely) phenomenon, the Bratz are Cloe, Yasmin, Sasha and Jade; four BFFs with a passion for fashion*. Here’s a problem though: why the hell are they called Bratz? They aren’t in any way bratty. As portrayed in the movie, they are four decent, nice, friendly girls who care about each other and their families. Once they’ve picked out their outfits for the day, that is. The characters who fit the dictionary definition of a brat are the film’s antagonist Meredith and her hangers-on. Meredith is the principal’s spoilt daughter who rules both her father and the school with an iron rod. She is pure evil incarnate, and may in fact actually be the devil. Her unquenchable desire to inflict her own personal brand of order among the chaos that is high school reflects Satan’s position at the seat of the Pandemonium. Thus, the Bratz are rogue demons looking to overthrow His Infernal Majesty by uniting all the forces of darkness to rise up against him, mirroring the action that caused Lucifer to be expelled from Heaven in the first place. Ron Moore was right: all of this has happened before, and all of this will happen again. The question then becomes, are the Bratz looking to escape from Hell (high school) into the earthly realm? Or do they merely seek to rule in Satan’s stead? Which is the lesser of two evils?

The Dark Lord astride his mighty steed.

In creating his dark allegory, director Sean McNamara (3 Ninjas: High Noon at Mega Mountain) has cast five alarmingly good-looking girls in the lead roles. While the characters age from 14 to 16 over the course of the film, the actresses were all between 17 and 21 at the time of shooting. The alarming part is that, aside from their speech and mannerisms, there was no attempt at making the girls appear the age they were supposed to be. In their heavy make-up, revealing clothes and high heels – even in the opening scenes when they’re meant to be 14. Fourteen! – they are dressed as their real ages. Three seconds on Google will bring up enough articles to fell Fangorn Forest regarding the allegations of the hypersexualisation of these underage characters that has plagued the Bratz line since the dolls first appeared in 2001. “Creepy” doesn’t even come close.

Sixteen. Don’t know about you, but I need a shower.

I am not now nor have I ever been a pre-teen girl, so I don’t feel it appropriate to comment on the relative quality of Bratz: The Movie. But really, when did that ever stop me before? This is a bad film. The story is nonsensical, the acting is dire (yes, even you Jon Voight. I understand you gotta pay the rent, but damn.), the songs are typical Disney-movie crap and the direction by Sean McNamara (The Adventures of Galgameth) is almost epilepsy-inducing. If, like me, you are not a pre-teen girl, then you do not ever need to watch this. If you are already a Bratz fan, then it may just be too late for you…

*Whenever I type that phrase, a piece of my soul dies.