While searching for a movie for this week’s edition of WTF Sunday, I came across this gem (pardon the pun) in Lovefilm’s “Something Saucy” selection. The description made me laugh out loud for a solid three minutes. Could the rest of the flick live up to that promise?
Sex comedy without the sex.
A man and a woman are stuck in a remote house in the French Alps during a blizzard. With limited options for passing the time, they are desperate to start screwing but can’t seem to find any condoms. Also, they both have guns and there’s a dead guy in the trunk in the corner. Don’t ask.
Billing itself as “the first fun thriller about safe sex”, Cum to Live is truly a one-off. It has moments of fun but isn’t especially thrilling. I’m debating with myself whether or not to give away anything that happens in this film based on the possibility of any of you ever watching it. The odds of that happening are likely pretty slim but even so, I will try to keep this spoiler-free.
Antoine Douchet stars as Antoine Leconte with Audrey Laurent as Brigitte Bourgeois; our two intrepid Alpine explorers. Both of them are admirably committed to their roles, Laurent in particular. Proper film critics would probably refer to her as fearless, since she is often naked and is willing to carry out almost any (just off-screen) sex act on Douchet’s character in an effort to get him to bone her. Douchet on the other hand is the stoic. He’s the one refusing to give in to the horny, naked, crazy lady’s demands in the absence of proper protection. He does attempt to fashion an improvised replacement or two (and frankly the less said about that the better) but continues to stand strong in the face of temptation.
Douchet is also the writer, director, editor and producer of the flick. This is his film in basically every way, and there are quite a few conclusions that can be drawn about his personal sexual politics – specious though they may be – from what is on screen. It is telling that his character claims to be a film producer and the opening frame of the movie is a caption announcing that this is a true story. He shows both imagination and some raw but unrefined ability as a filmmaker but his acting seems limited to just opening his eyes really wide, though he does get to show off his mad Rubik’s cube skillz.
Just when you think you are settling in to Douchet’s somewhat one-track world however, he decides to justify his characters being armed by staging a shoot-out that, aside from the setting, is almost a direct lift from the car wash shoot-out in Antoine Fuqua’s The Replacement Killers – incidentally, one of my favourite bad movies. Don’t even try to ask me why it’s in there. I’m as clueless as you on that front.
The entire film takes place within this house in the mountains (though since all the curtains remain closed throughout, it could be in a cul-de-sac in Nice). In an effort to brighten up the set, and to remind us that Leconte is a film producer, all the walls are covered in movie posters. It’s a shame that the very act of watching this film will remind you of other, better films you could be watching instead.
I watched this film more than eight hours ago and I still haven’t got a handle on what it was actually about. I’m not sure I can bring myself to watch it again anytime soon.