5-Word 365 #052 – American Hot Babes

So as I said yesterday, I think I’ll keep this little trend of films where the description is the title going for the rest of the week, just for shits and giggles. Today’s entry will only qualify in some countries though. In the US, it is called Deep in the Valley, but the UK title is:

American Hot Babes

Last Action Hero, with porn.

Two friends, Carl and Lester, stepped into the magical porn booth accelerator and vanished. They awoke to find themselves trapped in the past, facing mirror images that were not their own… No, wait, hang on. They awoke to find themselves trapped in an alternative version of their world, where everyone seemed to be in a cheesy porn film. Lester is quite taken with this situation, but poor, whiny Carl just wants to go home. There are also some babes. They are hot, and from America.

I’m just going to come right out and say it: this is a turd. Except for one thing (which I’ll come back to later) this movie is a steaming dump of jokes that aren’t funny and sexy scenes that aren’t sexy. It feels like someone took a script for the 473^rd direct-to-DVD American Pie sequel and decided to throw some poorly conceived sci-fi, alternate reality garbage at it. It is awful, and I’ll tell you why.

Firstly, neither one of our “heroes” is in any way likable. Chris Pratt plays Lester as a sleazy asshole who spends his days selling booze to kids and obsessing over porn, as if his personality just stopped developing when he got to age 13. I haven’t seen any episodes of Parks and Recreation yet, but could someone tell me if he is always this irritating? Brendan Hines (obviously slumming it between seasons of Lie To Me) is just annoying as Carl. In the real world framing scenes he is a doormat to his randomly posh, bitchy, English fiancée, and he spends most of the porn world section desperate to get back to her even though Bambi, “the most popular girl in town” is, for some unclear reason, falling in love with him.

Whiny and Sleazy, the two infamous "lost dwarves"

Secondly, this may be among the least sexy films I’ve ever seen. For a movie which takes place in porn world, that is unforgivable. There are plenty of topless shots of comely young women, but everything is shot with such a seeming lack of talent or expertise (or even interest) that it just leaves you cold. If you are going to make a film that takes place in a world where porn is the reality, you should at least have the courage of your convictions. If this film had been made and distributed as an actual porno it might have been a huge success, relatively speaking. Just imagine it: a self-aware, comedy porn film that lampooned its own tropes and conventions while still sticking to them. Executed right, this could even have been the holy grail of the adult film industry: a crossover hit.

l to r: The best thing about the movie; the title of the movie (singular)

The one saving grace in the whole thing is Scott Caan as the local cop Rod Cannon. He just throws himself completely into this ridiculous concept and character without pause and his natural charisma drags you along with him whenever he is on screen. If this had been a Rod Cannon movie, it could have been worth 90 minutes of my time. As it is, it’s not even worth this many words.

Also, Kim Kardashian is in the flick, so Internet Law says I have to include this.